whoa. it's been what, exactly 366 days since i last posted.
i must say that many, many things have happened in the span of this year and one day, but i shall not go into the details of these things because the reason i came back [just for today] is to dedicate this post to my dearest team.

much like what many of them have done this year when b'div 2013 ended, i wanted to post a dedication to them back then too, but i really couldn't bring myself to do it without crying so i scrapped the idea. but now that time is really running out and my mini birthday celebration with them just passed, i can't afford to make the same mistake i did two years ago by keeping my thoughts caged up inside of me. i need to tell them how much they mean to me before i regret this again.(yes girls your mother goose is opening up her heart to all of you) so here goes.

where do i begin? it was 8 years ago that i met nic, 4 years ago that i met my batch of teammies and 3 years ago that i met my junior teammies. back in pcps, my motivation to join volleyball was that since my dad, uncle, sister and older cousin were all part of it, i didn't want to be the odd one out. so i got in and played. back then i really wasn't very passionate about the sport, so when i got into dhs via dsa for vb, my dad told me (and i myself too, thought) that i didn't have to be too serious about it, i just had to attend training regularly enough and do the minimum, because my focus here was to study hard in dhs and not to play volleyball. and so yeah, i came in here, praying hard that i could just scrape through my 4 years in jhvb and that time would fly by so that i could get out and join something i liked better with no hard feelings.

but in the midst of this game plan, something completely unexpected happened.

i grew to love the sport; and grew to love my wonderful teammates even more.

i can still remember the times we spent...from when we first met in year 1 and were so awkward, to the times we upskirted each other round the classroom block, to the time we went for our first team outing at klp, to the times we totally slacked during pt, to the times we went for u13 and dropped the ball in the pool and on the roof and went to nic's house after that, to the times we met the [then quiet] juniors and complained how they were all tall, to the times we made the juniors get high and slack with us, to the times we trained hard and went for c'div 2011, to the times we trained with the taiwan coach, to the times the juniors rejoined us and shocked us with their improvement over only a few months, to the times the 18 of us trained so terribly hard for b'div 2013, to the times we went all the way to jurong for u16, to the times we had team talks, to the times we had lunches and dinners after trainings, to the times we went for b'div 2013, to the times after the year 4s stepped down yet we still met up regularly to celebrate birthdays and do stupid things like we always did...through all these little moments over the past 4 years, i unknowingly developed a love for the sport, unknowingly grew so attached to all 17 of my teammates and unknowingly found people who i'm definitely going to remember for eternity.

now that time has indeed flown by and i got past these 4 years, i really want to go back.

to be honest, two years ago...when i lost that someone so dear to me, i fell into a state of helplessness and grief. to top it off, when nic and jessie got posted to 3A and when everyone else was discussing what cca they'd wanna go for in sh, i realised that two years later, i'd experience that same excruciating pain from losing the people so dear to me. all over again. as much as we always say how we'll always be friends, i know deep inside that somehow things will be different in one way or another. don't get me wrong, i do believe that we're still gonna be as close as ever even in 2014 and beyond. i really do. but there's just something not quite the same when we're not seeing each other everyday and training and working hard together as a team anymore. i know this because the same person whom i lost back then, whom promised me that things between us would never change, is now practically like a person i've only met in a dream, a mirage that never really did exist no matter how real it once seemed. and i was so afraid of this happening again after this year, i ever considered just distancing myself from the team so that i wouldn't be attached to them so much; then, it wouldn't hurt that bad.

obviously, that didn't work. it wouldn't have ever worked. you can never, ever fight the attachment you feel for someone. because when you try and tell yourself not to get attached to someone, it means you already are.

once again, my plans failed. instead of becoming more distant, my team patiently stood by me and cheered me up all the time, waiting for me to finally be fine and open up again, making me get even more attached to them in the process. but i guess it isn't all that bad, because i really really really enjoyed and appreciate the time i spent with my team now, especially of the past 2 years. of the 16 years i've lived thus far, b'div with these girls was definitely the best. and i really mean all of them. if even just one of them weren't around, it wouldn't be the same ever. it's every single part of them put together that makes this team so special. they're such a special bunch that as much as i always say that nothing is impossible, they completely refuted that statement. because around them, it's definitely impossible not to smile and not to cheer up. happiness literally radiates off all of them, so much so that i can feel it even when i'm physically far away from them.

when they were asking me to pull the string out of the hello kitty box last friday, i thought it was gonna be like a scene lifted out of some cheesy drama where the character pulls the string and small things (like photos or notes) start flying out in all directions to all over the parade square while a heartbreaking melody plays in the background as the character stares at all these flying things with tears in her eyes. (LOL) obviously that didn't happen for me because well, clean up the parade square after we're done? ain't nobody got no time/mood fo dat. what came out was a whole string of photos from year 1 all the way to year 4, including long-lost photos from our very first team outing to klp. right there and then, though it was a quiet evening in a clean parade square, i realised how terribly i was going to miss this team after the year ends; i could literally hear the melody of 一个人想着一个人 playing while the frozen images of our memories flooded the parade square. that was when i really lost it and cried.

but with that a'div survival kit they gave me, i'll definitely pull through somehow.

if you're a literature student you can probably see how disorganised my thoughts are, jumping everywhere and anywhere in terms of chronological order, audience, mood and so on. that's because i really am disorganised inside; i have so much i want to say to my team, yet i have no idea how go about it at all. so i'm really just writing down whatever comes to my mind and hoping that they'll still feel what i feel and understand what i understood. a messed-up mind can only allow me to write this much; i hope i didn't leave anything important out though...if not, i don't think i'll be able to make it through this time round.

so before i forget, there's one last thing i definitely must not miss out before ending this post.

be it two years ago or any random bad day or when b'div ended...
for all those times you stood by me

it's been like, what, months since i last came here?

and really really alot, too much has happened in this entire time..and looking at my past posts, i guess i figured out why i lost the motivation to keep track of events.

so..i guess this probably will be my last post, unless i can somehow find that burning motivation to remember things again..

i guess it's a fitting time to say this, so......

from the day that i first met you,
i wonder just how much time has passed?
those feelings that i couldn't put into words...
you knew them, right?

the ricefield path dyed by the evening;
i walked there together with you, right?
it was decided on that day you'd do your best in a faraway city...

thank you; because you were always smiling there by my side,
so on the days my tears flowed, on the days i seemed to be losing,
i was always able to overcome them...

no matter what, i'll never forget
the warmth of the warm you...
because when i want to meet you, when i feel lonely, i'll look up at the sky...
the sky that continues to you...

the side profile of yours that seems happy,
your figure that is merry like a child
i can remember them all like they're things that just happened yesterday...

i wanted to be together with you for a while more;
i wonder if i could have been a little gentler?
those days when you said you loved me and embraced me; they are shining...

thank you; no matter when it is,  i'll be thinking of you, so...
you believed in me with straightforward eyes, right?
that's why i was able to become stronger...

no matter what, i'll never forget
your voice that called my name...
in my dreams, when we can't meet, i'll look up at the sky...
the sky where you sleep under...

thank you; because you were always smiling there by my side,
so on the days my tears flow, on the days i seem to be losing,
i will surely be able to overcome them...

no matter what, i'll never forget
the warmth of the warm you...
because when i want to meet you, when i feel lonely, i'll look up at the sky...
i'll always be watching over you, alright?
to you:
thank you..

.
.
.
i missed you.
i miss you.
i'll miss you.
i really did.
i really do.
and i really will.

but even so, goodbye..
I can't believe it's been that long since I was last able to come here.:X seems like this place is going to die sooner or later..thanks alot sch life for not letting me off even after common tests. LOL.xD

and I think you can predict what I have to say alr.
yes alot happened and yes I'm still lazy to condense it all here so there's practically no practice of keeping track of my life here zzz.

oh well. but I came here cos I got bored during street sales HAHA. I wonder how my two volunteers are doing..xD and i wonder how bvb is going right now..florence didn't reply me:/

why do my holidays not seem like holidays ever. .____. there's still work and trng and stuff to do. don't think there was a single time I could sleep before 12am in this first semester of year 3:O someone tell me senior high won't be worse gosh.:(

I miss those days in year 1 when I could sleep at 10pm. and I somewhat miss insomnia. at least that shows how not-tired I am.:/

must have been mad to want to grow up when I was a kid. i can't bring myself to imagine my working days 10 years later asdfghjkl.

but still there are alot of things I'm very thankful for like God, Sophia, team, tribe, and other ppl like my family and kong and the sappies so yeah yay thank God!<3

OH AND I FINALLY HIT 160CM YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!
thankfully I sort of lost weight too:3
school is the best slimming programme ever LOL.


6 more days to Sapporo!:3
gosh i can't believe the whole of march passed by without me getting to post even once here.D: and well once again it's been an eventful month..and yeah you guessed it, i'm too tired and lazy to even phrase long things short..xD but well i guess i've learnt alot and gone through alot even in this timeframe of a month so thank God for that!:)

to think it's term 2 week 2 going week 3 of my year 3 life alr.:O i wonder how i've even been able to pass by the first term when i'm still dealing with stuff..

but heh that shows how amazing God's strength for me is.;)

and i can see His new challenge(s) up ahead for me!:O idk if i'm supposed to be nervous or excited or what but ahhh well. がんばれキャリス、ここまで来たから、かなり本気よ～;)

oh right before i sign off and forget... announcement. since i'm too busy to post nowadays, i decided to 狠下心来 and delete this lifelogue of my past 3-4 years.





LOL JUST KIDDING. HAPPY APRIL FOOL!xD
i can still rmb how ms heng trolled all of us in dhsvb last year zzz.-.-
well. but have a nice day ahead!^^
zomg how long has it been since i last came here.:O seems like year 3 life really keeps me busy enough.. next week there's 听写 on mon, jap ct on tue, bio test on wed and chem test on thur..:/ oops and i haven't exactly studied.:X with this, i'm soooo looking forward to life in the future man..:/

once again lots of things transpired during this period of time and even though the purpose of this blog is to keep track of my life so that i can look at it again when i'm older.. i feel lazy to phrase things short and keep it here..xD psh but oh well 3D is pretty fun and yay Dellort got rejected so we have no class name again.:( blehhh. pt at bedok ytd morning with some of my teammates (asdfghjkl my sleep) was pretty fruitful i guess:) and definitely the message during encounter was really impactful on me and thank God for that!:)

can't come up with anything for the time being haha. hopefully i'll get to post more.. and stay strong in my life after 2011.

「I need You more;
More than yesterday.
More than words can say.
More than the air I breathe.
More than the song I sing.
More than the next heartbeat.
More than anything...
Than ever before.」


weeell.. 3 weeks of sch has passed alr.. and we get a long weekend.8) happy cny to everyone out there, have a blessed time with your relatives and loved ones!:)

quite some stuff happened these few weeks.. class name was changed cos mr han kinda rejected DGAF/DGAD..:/ but our new one is pretty kewl too.8D DELLORT!8) it doesn't really make sense just like that, cos it's a made-up word with no meaning...until you spell it backwards.8)

obtw, i really really wanna thank God for the things He has done in 3Dellort, made quite a few new friends and it's pretty fun:) THANK THE LORDDD~

and srsly, double sci single humans ftw.(Y) we get dismissed earlier than trip sci or double double and while everyone's complaining abt the workload over this cny break... our class can pretty much slack like a boss!8D WHOOOOO!

didn't get to go back pcps on fri cos dhs celebrating on wed instead.:( ah well there are still other occasions i can go visit + gl mdm ler i guess.;)

OH RIGHT AND I WENT FOR FERILLAN REUNION DINNER YTD WHOO!:3 really had loads of fun, we even saw fireworks tgtr! thank God so much for that!^^

and right like i said.. alot of stuff happened in this time frame so i can't exactly phrase it short.. but even in this storm that feels really impossible to survive.. i'll hang on and trust God to the very end.;) i believe..He'd want me to stay strong in this period too.. i know way too well that it's extremely tough but.. 神様がいると、なんとかなるさ!;)

HAVE A BLESSED AND RADICAL JOURNEY UP IN THIS YEAR AHEAD, TAKE CARE, BE HAPPY AND STAY STRONGGG!;)

「僕らそれぞれの道歩いてゆくながら、いつか…会えるかな…?」
and so the first week of sch has passed by in a flash.. ._. i still can't really absorb the fact that i'm in year 3 leh LOL. well, things this year.. are way too different from the past, i guess...

but i finally get a nice seat on the sch bus YAY!8D finally i can sleep in peace!xD NO MORE JERKS THAT WAKE ME UP OHYEAH.(Y) all the way at the back where adalric used to be, LOL. and i'm no longer the last stop.8) but this year it got a little crowded... i can still rmb how there were only 5 ppl when i was in year 1 HAHA. last year there were 7... but this year we have like, what, 2 graduates, 1 coming back for senior high tmr and 5 new year ones.o.O squeezy ttm... but surprisingly i still get all 3 seats to myself like a boss.(Y) YAY.

and then now i have to walk to the yh year 3 and 4 block instead of year 1 and 2 block.:( really miss the times in ferillan aish. but oh well, life has to move on no matter who i have to bid farewell to..:/ and yes i picked the windowseat in 3D again.8D and i realised that there are alot more birds over here! WHOO! ENTERTAINMENT!! can't believe we decided our class name would be 3DGAD: "don't get all dramatic". HAHA. at first it was DGAF (don't grief any failures) but wellll DGAD isn't bad either, double D for 3D!=) and yay i have new friends in 3D too!=D still fun to sit next to clara in class and gay all day long though LOL.

oh oh oh. familiar teachers. our class got mr chin for ACE (._.), mr lim for chem (8D) and the cme 卢老师 for cme (Y). HAHAHAHA. and the other teachers seem quite nice too.:) or is it just cos upper sec students get more freedom and leniency from teachers?o.O

well yeah even though things seem to be pretty good, it just feels different because there are ppl who have left or, are going to leave soon.:/ and somehow, no matter how much i tell myself to let go, i find myself retracing the nostalgic, familiar past again and again. my oh my.:/

but at least i know that even in all of these emotions i feel... all Your promises won't let go of me.*less than three sign* perfect timing to play this song! whoo!(Y)

"i guess it's good that i can pretty much climb into your skin and walk around it in this new beginning though; to be able to see the things you once saw, hear the things you once heard, and feel the things you once felt."